He's right here by our side

So God has been speaking to me. And it's because I'm finally asking Him to. I'm giving Him my time and waiting for Him. It's not that God hasn't been there, but I have been so consumed with myself that I haven't heard what He's been trying to communicate to me. Today I sat on a roof. My roof acts as a porch or a yard, that I wish I had to sit outdoors. But I sat on this roof and just wrote. I wrote all that I was thinking, all that God has been showing me—at least what I've caught on to so far. And when I was done I knew I needed to be with God more, so for the first time I sat in the middle of my room in silence, just listening for God. Usually I pray to God, or take walks and talk to Him or resort to "i'll just pray to him as I fall asleep." But I knew that in all of these things, I haven't been giving him my full attention. Or I've just been talking but not waiting for His input. So we sat in my room today and I asked Him to shape me, to prepare me for my future.

I understood that I've been hurting my body by the way I work out, because it's not for God. It's for me and vanity. I want to be strong so I can use my strength for a purpose. I also asked God to show me myself through His eyes, not the worlds. I don't want to evaluate myself by the world's take on what beauty is, I want to understand God's definition of beauty. And as I opened my eyes I looked down at myself and saw my scars, my bruises, and dirty finger nails. I realized that all of these markings told stories of my life. And through those stories they have shaped me and helped me to grow into who I am right now. These journeys are what make someone who they are on the inside. It doesn't matter what my face looks like, what the shape of my body is. It's what God is doing on the inside that makes a person radiate. I pray that I can understsand this concept more fully each and every day of my life.

I realized a lot yesterday when a friend of mine was talking about worship and how we have it screwed up. Worship is something intimate, and yet we do most of it in church in a room full of people. We wouldn't spend our most intimate times with a husband or friend in a room full of strangers, we want to be alone with them, have their undivided attention. So it makes sense to worship God, to the fullest, in an intimate setting, just you and Him.

So I suppose I'm writing all these personal things for those who may have never sat and listened for God. Try it, I was amazed that I never had.