30 June 2007
yards.
I wish I had a backyard I could play in. Not a parking lot with a slice of grass for everyone to see, but my yard from back home; with the bluff and the railroad tracks overlooking the river. That would be quite nice on a day like today.
27 June 2007
coexistence of opposite worlds
Opposite worlds coexist in my mind. Can I turn them into one? Can I bind them together in some elaborate fabrication? I can only wait and see which comes to fruition. Which makes my heart pound in excitement. The problem is they both do at this point. They both are dreams I have had growing up; both posing pros and cons.
I suppose I will continue to wait. Continue to pursue. Whack down the weeds of old hopes and dreams only to find those that are still hiding; waiting for me to grab hold of one that won't go away.
I suppose I will continue to wait. Continue to pursue. Whack down the weeds of old hopes and dreams only to find those that are still hiding; waiting for me to grab hold of one that won't go away.
20 June 2007
reality bites.
Reality. Reality is a bitch. It is hard when you wake out of your dreams and see that the things that kept you vibrant and alive, pushed you forward and gave you hope were only ideals in your head. Ideals that are not able to be created into reality.
It is hard when the things that stir your heart and make you want to experience life are things that your loved ones do not share in or cannot understand. That a final "career" is the defining factor in your worth. That it has to happen now for you to be somebody, and if you do not pursue a career you are wasting time, wasting life, wasting money. But this is life. I have become so wrapped up in myself and what makes me happy that I have made myself sick with unhappiness.
I want to get out and experience life so I can be an influence to others. So I can share my faith and bring people to see the importance of Christ on the Cross, so I can understand this importance as well. I understand the choices of my future are up to me. That it might not be this clear cut sign from God above, but a decision on my part and that doesn't mean there is a wrong decision. And right now I am pressuring myself to make a decision when there isn't one to be made yet.
There are cultures, languages, people and experiences that I want to become a part of. There is a life I want to live and I don't want this to be purely selfish. I want to be that vibrant, optimistic girl, with big dreams that I have always been, but reality continues to get in the way.
Perhaps I am lacking a sense of inspiration lately. I went to a woman's house the other day who is an artist and just being in her presence put a sense of vigor back into my body. We made altered Barbie dolls and this is my creation.
It is hard when the things that stir your heart and make you want to experience life are things that your loved ones do not share in or cannot understand. That a final "career" is the defining factor in your worth. That it has to happen now for you to be somebody, and if you do not pursue a career you are wasting time, wasting life, wasting money. But this is life. I have become so wrapped up in myself and what makes me happy that I have made myself sick with unhappiness.
I want to get out and experience life so I can be an influence to others. So I can share my faith and bring people to see the importance of Christ on the Cross, so I can understand this importance as well. I understand the choices of my future are up to me. That it might not be this clear cut sign from God above, but a decision on my part and that doesn't mean there is a wrong decision. And right now I am pressuring myself to make a decision when there isn't one to be made yet.
There are cultures, languages, people and experiences that I want to become a part of. There is a life I want to live and I don't want this to be purely selfish. I want to be that vibrant, optimistic girl, with big dreams that I have always been, but reality continues to get in the way.
Perhaps I am lacking a sense of inspiration lately. I went to a woman's house the other day who is an artist and just being in her presence put a sense of vigor back into my body. We made altered Barbie dolls and this is my creation.
07 June 2007
detail.
Here I am. Thursday morning, drinking my black coffee—listening to Feist—already having called some firms in London. I have now resorted to emailing them because most were in meetings when I called and the headset I was using for Skype started to short out on me. Anyway, today is one of the better mornings I have felt decent. I was a little down yesterday after calling so many firms and none seem to be hiring or none see any talent in me worth taking a chance on. Understandable. I realize this is not an easy process.
Here is my desk that I work at every morning. I made myself a little sign to make me laugh at myself above my computer. I like how the bronze statue of Poseidon happened to come on my screen, as well.
So yesterday as I was a little dispirited I decided to walk to the post office to mail off a design package to the UK. I wanted to walk some more to get exercise and clear my mind so I ended up walking across town to Fareway to pick up a few things. It's amazing how this is a pretty far walk in Ames, yet it is about the equivalent we would walk every day in Rome to get to class. I miss walking in a big city. As I was walking I thought of the book I am reading that Brooke gave me to read for a graduation gift (it is one of the best gifts I have received.) It really brings me back to the details and importance of life. All it is are little entries by a Japanese girl over a thousand years ago. She is lovely and writes about hateful things, elegant things, birds, and trees. It amazes me how beautiful her words are and yet how simple it all is. I want to look and feel the world in this way.
Things That Make One's Heart Beat Faster
Sparrows feeding their young. To pass a place where babies are playing. To sleep in a room where some fine incense has been burnt. To notice that one's elegant Chinese mirror has become a little cloudy. To see a gentleman stop his carriage before one's gate and instruct his attendants to announce his arrival. To wash one's hair, make one's toilet, and put on scented robes; even if not a soul sees one, these preparations still produce an inner pleasure.
It is night and one is expecting a visitor. Suddenly one is startled by the sound of rain-drops, which the wind blows against the shutters.
—The Pillow Book of Sei Shonagon
Once again I am reminded to enjoy the details in life. That I can only do so much for my future and the rest is trusting in God. That I need to keep trying and doing what I can but there is a lot that is out of my control. It is good for me to have much of this out of my hands. That I cannot look to the past and wish life were a certain way. It is what it is and I am blessed to be where I am right now.
Here is my desk that I work at every morning. I made myself a little sign to make me laugh at myself above my computer. I like how the bronze statue of Poseidon happened to come on my screen, as well.
So yesterday as I was a little dispirited I decided to walk to the post office to mail off a design package to the UK. I wanted to walk some more to get exercise and clear my mind so I ended up walking across town to Fareway to pick up a few things. It's amazing how this is a pretty far walk in Ames, yet it is about the equivalent we would walk every day in Rome to get to class. I miss walking in a big city. As I was walking I thought of the book I am reading that Brooke gave me to read for a graduation gift (it is one of the best gifts I have received.) It really brings me back to the details and importance of life. All it is are little entries by a Japanese girl over a thousand years ago. She is lovely and writes about hateful things, elegant things, birds, and trees. It amazes me how beautiful her words are and yet how simple it all is. I want to look and feel the world in this way.
Things That Make One's Heart Beat Faster
Sparrows feeding their young. To pass a place where babies are playing. To sleep in a room where some fine incense has been burnt. To notice that one's elegant Chinese mirror has become a little cloudy. To see a gentleman stop his carriage before one's gate and instruct his attendants to announce his arrival. To wash one's hair, make one's toilet, and put on scented robes; even if not a soul sees one, these preparations still produce an inner pleasure.
It is night and one is expecting a visitor. Suddenly one is startled by the sound of rain-drops, which the wind blows against the shutters.
—The Pillow Book of Sei Shonagon
Once again I am reminded to enjoy the details in life. That I can only do so much for my future and the rest is trusting in God. That I need to keep trying and doing what I can but there is a lot that is out of my control. It is good for me to have much of this out of my hands. That I cannot look to the past and wish life were a certain way. It is what it is and I am blessed to be where I am right now.
05 June 2007
dun dun dun
Job searching is a daunting process. It is not something that so much worries me, but is just a hard process to go through, especially when I am trying to get myself known in London and contact firms. I spent two hours this morning calling firms that I have sent my portfolio to. Most seemed positive that I would be able to get a job as an American over there, but just like here, most firms are not looking to hire right now. So I will continue to persevere, to be persistent and pursue my dream. I don't even know what I want anymore but I can't imagine anything other than going abroad.
Yesterday I sent a package to Wales. I suppose this could be just as wonderful a place to live as anything.
Other than focusing in on all this job stuff I've been trying to enjoy my summer as well. Spent last weekend in Clear Lake for the Memorial weekend and then a few days at home. Once back in Ames, I left for Minneapolis and stayed with, Apostolos, a dear friend of mine I met when I studied in London last summer. It was wonderful to see him again and amazing that I met him briefly at the end of my stay and here we are a year later with myself and my friends sleeping at his place.
And then we found candy cigarettes. just like the old days:)
Yesterday I sent a package to Wales. I suppose this could be just as wonderful a place to live as anything.
Other than focusing in on all this job stuff I've been trying to enjoy my summer as well. Spent last weekend in Clear Lake for the Memorial weekend and then a few days at home. Once back in Ames, I left for Minneapolis and stayed with, Apostolos, a dear friend of mine I met when I studied in London last summer. It was wonderful to see him again and amazing that I met him briefly at the end of my stay and here we are a year later with myself and my friends sleeping at his place.
And then we found candy cigarettes. just like the old days:)
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