the books in my life

My bed right now is full of books. I just glanced at it and I have an array of choices: a book on the artist Miro, some fiction of Madame Bovary, a travel book on Holland and another book about knowing God. I stopped by the library today to pick up this book on Miro, I had seen it the other day but it was too large for me to carry home on my bike. Today was too chilly to ride my bike, but once I got into the library I noticed the book nook was open. Oooo what a delight for me. I lose myself when I am in a room filled with books, especially when they are cheap. I left with a few new purchases including books by Haruki Murakami, Naguib Mahfouz, and Virginia Woolf. This made me happy except for the fact that my book collection keeps growing and my space is shrinking and my time has not allowed me to read half of what I own right now. Perhaps if I don't make any friends in Holland I will be reading in my spare time.

I have nine days to finish preparing for Holland. I've been ordering a few things and I hope it all comes in time before the big flight. How do you prepare yourself for something so unknown? How do I prepare for a future where I have the facts but only the experience will lead me to my actions and needs? I live in the present yet imagine an ideal home and people that are awaiting me. I want to fall in love with some place and someone. Not these quixotic ideas that fill my head, not these people that touch my life; yet are not in it. They are either in the past or do not exist yet. Not these places and countries that become something else after I leave. I want the present to fill me with joy now. But is this possible? We are marked and led by society. A society, whether we acknowledge it or not, that controls us in a sense. It controls our sense of truth and boundaries. Our morals. Our actions. But society only alters the "sense" or "feeling" of these things. It doesn't dictate Truth or change Truth, although it may seem like it. That is only human alterations, not the absolute Truth that coexists along with this society.

I do believe we can find joy now. That joy runs deep, we can be sad and be filled with joy. I find joy in Christ, in believing that this God will convict me of my actions. Will turn me around when I am wrong. If I can remain open and understanding, if I can remain available to Him always. If I can be honest in the most raw sense possible to my God, I believe we can get past the perils of society. We can't completely avoid nor block out the way life is. But we can be aware of the fact that it can be controlling in a destructive way. Not always, but it is there. And these quixotic ideas that float around me may be possible too. They may just happen and become my reality.