why not?

i'm having a hard time designing right now. my mind is everywhere. i get little bits done here and there but i need like a massive work time where i do nothing but breathe this design. my dad just called. made me cry because i'm a baby and get emotional over nothing. i was just thinking i wish it would warm up but honestly i don't mind the cold that much. -20 degrees is a little extreme but spring is too mushy for me. can we just skip to summer? i want to be tan againnnnnnnnn. ashely sent me my photo album from london. i left it at her place in michigan this summer. i've been thinking about london a lot lately. i've really got to get on top of things and send some work out. i wish i had the money to just move there. why do i want to go so bad? why not though? i can't help it. i need to be smart about it though, i mean i would really be alone; and yet that doesn't seem to really both me. maybe i just haven't really thought about it. i need to keep praying, i mean why would God want me to go there? but why not?

i sat and tried to do homework today; instead i ended up writing this on a scrap piece of paper...
"i can only base my ideas from my own experiences, what i read, and what i am told; experience having the most influence. this doesn't create truth from my ideas but it does provide a basis and reason. therefore, why not experience more challenging things?

i want to move to london and live. breathe. make it on my own and always know i will have a place to return to if it doesn't work. this life is not all there is. there are no excuses to be reckless or careless but there is no reason not to push yourself and the limitations that have been placed on your identity.there is a whole world out there with people who may need you to make a difference in their life. find them and emit God in everything that you do. this is part of why we live. perhaps it's time. "

representation

how do we know when we are trusting in God? no matter what the situation we are saying that we trust in God, but what does that really mean? what does that look like? i can trust in God if i decide to quite my job, or i can trust God in staying with my job. how do we honestly trust in God? or is it less of trusting IN Him and more of just trusting Him?

i feel as though i'm in a weird place right now. when i'm in class and actually think about it, i realize how much i love what i am doing. i could not imagine doing anything else but design. i also am being challenged through my philosophy and religion class, making me think deeper about God and realizing how naive and ignorant we are so much of the time. so many people are relativists and say we should all believe what we want and that's okay for you and this is okay for me. but this doesn't make any sense! that would make us all right 100% of the time, we would never be wrong we would never get any better or worse morally. don't you think if we actually lived life as though what i believe should be what you believe, things would be a lot different? when i was in rome, God was preparing me for all of this. He started to press into my mind more, making me think more of philosophy and scientific questions of why and how God can exist. i miss the way i was with my roommates, the discussions we had and the challenges we faced with five girls living together. in fact, i am missing a lot about rome, and i wasn't sure if i would really feel this way, but like in every case i am idealizing the past and remembering all the fun things and laughing at those which were horrible. i'm not thinking of all this in a bad way where i am trying to live through the past. i am just remembering.


i feel as though i haven't taken the time to write my thoughts. these aren't really much of my thoughts at all.