reality bites.

Reality. Reality is a bitch. It is hard when you wake out of your dreams and see that the things that kept you vibrant and alive, pushed you forward and gave you hope were only ideals in your head. Ideals that are not able to be created into reality.

It is hard when the things that stir your heart and make you want to experience life are things that your loved ones do not share in or cannot understand. That a final "career" is the defining factor in your worth. That it has to happen now for you to be somebody, and if you do not pursue a career you are wasting time, wasting life, wasting money. But this is life. I have become so wrapped up in myself and what makes me happy that I have made myself sick with unhappiness.

I want to get out and experience life so I can be an influence to others. So I can share my faith and bring people to see the importance of Christ on the Cross, so I can understand this importance as well. I understand the choices of my future are up to me. That it might not be this clear cut sign from God above, but a decision on my part and that doesn't mean there is a wrong decision. And right now I am pressuring myself to make a decision when there isn't one to be made yet.

There are cultures, languages, people and experiences that I want to become a part of. There is a life I want to live and I don't want this to be purely selfish. I want to be that vibrant, optimistic girl, with big dreams that I have always been, but reality continues to get in the way.

Perhaps I am lacking a sense of inspiration lately. I went to a woman's house the other day who is an artist and just being in her presence put a sense of vigor back into my body. We made altered Barbie dolls and this is my creation.