the sqeaky wheel gets the grease

New things about me: I have a plane ticket to London, I live with my parents, I have 6 interviews with more pending, I made a website www.brittnimorgan.com, my beagle seems to love me more lately (I take her on walks).

I feel myself slowly take steps closer to God. I guess I was kind of away for a while, not in a blatant rejection kind of way, but consciously making decisions to distract myself from pursuing God. It's hard, and I still easily choose to read Harry potter, check my email or watch Dr.Phil over taking time to rest my mind and focus on God. The problem is I'm really selfish, and I seek God but most of the time it's from selfish pursuit, and so when I cry out for help I expect something to magically happen without me doing a thing. So I'm finally taking time to read the bible. Really read and understand the meaning of the words before me. I'm tired of getting tripped up on what is truth and if I'm interpreting it correctly. I'm just trying to see what the words tell me within context.

I began reading Matthew, and honestly, I have always skipped over the Gospels for the most part. I think I felt like I knew the message and I'd rather read old testament stories and other chapters I knew less. But as I began reading I saw things about Jesus' character I hadn't realized before. And how the heck am I supposed to strive to be like Jesus if I don't even recognize his true demeanor and repertoire. What stood out was this: when Jesus was tempted, it was the Holy Spirit which led Him to the Desert. I'm not exactly sure what this means but I find it very intriguing, and need to spend more time thinking about this. Secondly, Jesus refuses to put God to the test. I think this is something we try to do often in our lives. We try and prove God, we ask something to happen just for the sake of it because we think God should be at our beck and call. But as I look into my selfishness I see I've got it all wrong, that we should be living for God Himself, to worship Him, and this isn't a selfish thing for Him, because he is ultimate Love. Why wouldn't we dedicate our lives to that? The last thing I noticed was Jesus gathered four disciples before he began preaching. I think this shows the support and community He needed just like we need to today.

I honestly want to continue to understand Jesus better, to know how to handle situations, to be a loving friend whose actions and words are upon Biblical Truths. So much is changing. So much is unknown. And at this time I am my optimistic self, I just hope I can stay this way. And I realized tonight, after having coffee with an old friend how much I have missed laughter. It felt really good to laugh like I did tonight and enjoy the rawness of being ridiculous.