cognizant

Slowly, life is beginning to become more real.Of course life is real, but bit by bit, piece by piece things are beginning to change here in Ames. Soon I am going to find that my life here and all that I knew is gone. Gone from the way it existed for me. Friends no longer living here.

My roommate moved out for good yesterday. That was a surreal moment in itself. This girl who I met four years ago in our small dorm room and who I have continued to live with into an apartment is gone from my life. I realize nothing is actually gone. But as I know it these things will never exist as they have here. We are all moving to something different. And although some will remain, our lives will begin to change. It is just another reminder that this life we are living is not all about us. It continues to move forward turning expectations into memories.

Andrea leaves Saturday for Chicago. Lindsey soon to Minneapolis. I am still unknown. I continue to try for my dreams, I continue to press on and not give up. A lot of my perseverance is due to people in my life encouraging me, giving me confidence that I am able to do something with myself. Life is odd in how it becomes so comparative. That we view some people more worthy than others based on appearance, status, intellect, presence. But is this really how we should live? Jesus did not look at any of those things when He came to this earth. As I am reading the book Searching for God Knows What I see how it may almost be easier to believe in Jesus at this time than when He was actually here. That He was born in a stable, had a poor job as a carpenter, and was not an attractive person. And yet, even when He was a baby, people revered Him as God. That King Herod was afraid of this baby and tried to kill all the new born boys to avoid a better king than him. That's pretty powerful. And yet if someone were to have a low income job, born in the backwoods, and was not great to look at today, would we really want to call this man God? No, because He is not what we expect a god to be. This is what it was like in Jesus' time as well, and look at the impact His life has had on us today in a historical way; and then look at how the truth of His words have saved us from trying to save ourselves through His sacrifice. Sometimes this is so hard for me to understand and yet I know it holds power and depth and impacts all of our lives whether one chooses to believe or not.

I continue to seek answers to questions about God and the Bible. Many things I want to work the way I see fairness. And I can read books that support what I want with persuasive arguments or vice versa. But in the end I need to understand why it is God chose everything to be this way. And that takes time, and it's okay not to have it all figured out right now. It took Peter until after Jesus' death to really understand who Jesus was and believe and love Him. I suppose it may take us our lifetime as well.