Where dreams end and illusions begin…

Two weeks before I leave for Holland. Kind of an odd standstill yet rapid time. Not much to write but I feel compelled to. I finally finished a book I've been reading for a while, The Image: A Guide to Pseudo – Events in America by Daniel J. Boorstin. It actually had some fantastic stuff about how we deceive ourselves; create these ideal images and extravagant expectations. We've fallen in love with the image of the world and our lives rather than what it really is. Yet that is what it is now. An image. This is something I easily do when I think of going abroad, and I should keep it in mind this time as well. I wonder if it would make a difference?

Each of us must disenchant himself, must moderate his expectations, must prepare himself to receive messages coming in from the outside. The first step is to begin to suspect that there may be a world out there, beyond our present or future power to image or to imagine…We should try to reach outside our images. We should seek new ways of letting messages reach us; from our own past, from God, from the World which we may hate or think we hate.To give visas to strange and alien and outside notions. Notions of which neither we nor the Communists have ever dreamed and which we can never see in our mirror. One of our grand illusions is the belief in a "cure." There is no cure. There is only the opportunity for discovery. For this the New World gave us a grand, unique beginning.

…We must discover our illusions before we can even realize that we have been sleepwalking. The least and the most we can hope for is that each of us may penetrate the unknown jungle of images in which we live our daily lives. That we may discover anew where dreams end and where illusions begin. This is enough. Then we may know where we are, and each of us may decide for himself where he wants to go.

holl and oats

[The Netherlands] is popularly known for its windmills, cheese, clogs (wooden shoes), delftware and gouda pottery, dikes, tulips, bicycles, and social tolerance. A Parliamentary democracy, the country is also known for its somewhat liberal policies toward drugs, prostitution, gay rights, abortion, and euthanasia. —Wikipedia

This shall be my home next.

the end.

Last week I decided to give up. I cannot keep sitting at home waiting for emails to return from firms that may never contact me or who love my work but cannot offer me an internship until next spring. If I could go back I would do things much differently. But I've gained some great contacts and I know it does not stop here.

I realized I've had complete tunnel vision and have pushed God out of the picture in allowing Him to control any aspect of this job search. But actually He probably has been controlling this in the way it has worked out. So last Saturday I told God, "I give up." I put it in His hands and said if I heard nothing back by the end of the week I would focus my attention on finding a job in Minneapolis. This was almost a relief, to give up control which I should have let go from the beginning, and that I had said all along I was giving up, but I was only lying to myself. So at that point I sent one last portfolio to a firm in Hilversum, Holland who is looking for an intern in November. They got back to me quickly, said they were interested and once I gave my definitive answer they would phone interview me and two other applicants.

I have an interview tomorrow.

So I have let go. I'm okay if I don't get this. Perhaps my pride will hurt but that's already been done quite a bit lately. I'm ready to settle down as well and find an apartment in Minneapolis, so that will either be sooner or in a few months.

It's so much better when you stop lying to yourself and actually let God rule in your life.

London is still in the back of my head. Perhaps it's time to go somewhere new though. And there's always the possibility of interning after the New Year when they actually want me. Timing is just getting in the way and I suppose that's just how it's going to be.

the end.

gpas

my lovely grandma and bubba in oshkosh

resolute

Everything is more complicated. I am holding my head high and pressing on. I received more determination yesterday when I was told that I am young, London is what I want and not to let anyone or thing hold me back. I need to stop making excuses and keep pressing people for a job. I say all this because I cannot be given a start date to the internship I was offered, which complicates everything. I am trying to contact firms again and adamantly ask for an internship straight away.

I yearn for my creativity to begin again. I bought some incense to get me in the mood. hah. I'm letting things slip by while I get everything straightened out with London. I really need "let go and let God" on this one. I really trust Him in all of this.