summer?

Last week was crazy but I guess it's over now. Senior portfolio night went well, pretty much my whole extended family came it was amazing. Even my brother came who has made it down to Ames once in four years, and how appropriate that he was here when I applied to get into graphic design my freshman year and the next time he comes is to see my senior show. Also my bestfriend's parents came, since she works in Chicago and couldn't make it over. Thanks Paul and Nanc for representing.






Afterward Andrea and I met up with some friends down at our usual bar, 212, and enjoyed a nice Franziskaner, and later on we danced it up at Boheme like we used to do when we had a life on Thursday nights.

I allowed myself a relaxing weekend with some friends at their lake home and skied in the freezing cold water. We literally felt numb when we got out, luckily there was a wet suit we squeezed ourselves into; no one is really sure how.






And now I am finishing out my finals week, I'm almost done making a dress and jacket for my fibers class tomorrow, and having a really hard time staying inside during the day to get my work done because it's been so nice.

I think it's hit me for the first time today that summer is pretty much here. That I have no job and no clue what's going to happen. That although school is done I need to mail all my stuff out to London so I can really understand what's happening with my life. I feel very useless right now or not purposeful. It seems like the unknown was okay while I was in school because I was so busy focusing on other things that were more relevant at the moment, but here I am realizing that this is it. I need to do something.

If I learned anything this week it is reevaluating intentions. I want to have pure intentions in all that I do, and I don't think anyone ever does. Even in conversations to God, in bearing everything to Him do I have hidden motives? Yes, sometimes I do. I hope though that there are times that in being completely honest that my intentions are utterly sincere and raw.

culmination

This is it, the past four years of my life have been leading up to this; senior portfolio night. Less than a day away.

It hasn't hit me yet that I am graduating, that school will actually be over for ever; that I've basically spent my entire life in a learning institution and now it's over. Weird. I get these random moments where all of a sudden I appreciate something about school, something I will miss that I haven't realized will be gone soon. I've learned a lot in these past four years; a lot about myself, my character, my capabilities. Even, Paula, one of my design professors taught me all about Tabs today in inDesign. I was always a little confused on the correct way to use them and the correct usage of en and em dashes. Now I know. My last day of studio in my senior year and I get it now. Hahaha.

But I will miss the casualty of my classes, that I can come and go as I please, play music during class, go down to the library and flip through design books, hang out in the atrium where I am bound to find someone I know. Walk through the gallery, spend long nights in the basement studios all by myself jamming out to music that no one else will hear, making dresses for school projects.

I see things differently now than I did before I was in design. I went to a lecture the other day with my friend Adrianna. It was a woman speaking about the Chilean poet, Vincent Huidobro and the anatomy of an object. He made beautiful visual paintings for his poetry. I don't think anyone else there understood what she was speaking about but Adrianna and I loved it; talking about serifs and visually what he was representing. It was everything we would learn about in design history and because of our education our minds have been trained to think and understand what she talked about. But for everyone else, they were lost. It's crazy how our thinking and learning capabilities become so specialized.

These are a few of my reflections on the end of my senior year. If I could do it all over again I would still do graphic design but perhaps take more philosophy and religion classes. I've found in my last semester that these are what I am passionate about. My last religion paper I tried to write on the existence and belief in God, and how perhaps it's not such a leap of blind faith. I like that I have been able to write about such things.

Well, for the first time in a while I am getting ready for bed before midnight. Tomorrow is the culmination of our education. It's time to celebrate.

trivialness

What makes us so hard on ourselves? What is that we feel pressure from? Why can't we be confident in the decisions we make whether it be which garbage bags to buy or where to apply for jobs and live? Do these decisions have that much of an impact on our future? I know myself, I know that wherever I end up I will be satisfied for the time being. I'm the type of person to go with it, try not to complain and make the best out of the situation. I think we're missing the big picture. We are so IN IT right now we're not seeing this life for what it is. Decisions are not static so why are we viewing the next step as finality?

I'm frustrated with myself and with others around me. I think I've gotten past most of this questioning, I'm just going with it. I know where I'd like to go and what I'd like to do; so I'm going to try for it. If it doesn't work I will feel defeated but I also know that I'm trusting in God's hand in my life, and that there are probably much better things than I am picturing. And this is fine with me.

We need to get past the tiny details we are focusing on, the little parts of what we think are so important and step back. There's much more to life than what typeface I use and where I should position it on a page. Who cares, it's trivial.

So with that, I'm going to go play soccer in the rain and get muddy, enjoy myself and thank God for the strength he gives me each day.

noise

So someone made this noise maker for a project. It's this huge box that sits in the atrium with all these household products attached to it that you can make sounds with. Now that I have to work in the lab at school, all I hear are people walking by making noise. Right now there is a squeaky toy making a rhythmic beat. Ohhhhh I heart design.

do it.

I had a breakdown yesterday. Not really sure why. I think lack of sleep. I just sat there and cried and then cried because I didn't know why I was crying, and cried because I'm not stressed i'm just tired and broken. I realized, although design is important and it is something that I love that it's not worth the way it is making me feel. I can't make it my life because it's not what I live for. I live for God and He has be first in my life. When I start to make design and finding a job my life it just tears me apart, I start questioning everything I do, I feel like a failure. It seeps into other areas of my life that aren't related to design and I discourage myself. And as long as I am living by the Word of God, trying to please Him in my life, I know that God will provide for me. I will find a job or do missions or whatever He wants me to do because He is my provider and creator. When I feel alone and when all of us in design can't even help each other because we are all on nerve, I have God who is there asking me to rest in Him.

Life is fluid, I have nothing to lose. As Mickelson, my design professor, just told me "DO IT." He said I'm already setting myself up for failure by the way I'm talking. Who cares if I fail there is nothing to lose, DO IT! Honestly I have nothing to complain about, I am blessed beyond what I can understand. I was able to have lunch and beer with my religion professor yesterday smoking cigz and talking about life. It was great and I thank God for how much I have grown and developed over these past years. God has more planned and I need to stop questioning myself because in doing so I'm questioning God's divine authority and who am I to question the creator of our universe?

you don't have to read this

this is ridiculous. design and what it does to you is ridiculous. i dreamt the other night that i was pregnant and i was cutting my business cards on the laser cutter and it kept cutting them wrong. i'd like to escape from design when i'm sleeping pileeese. i felt bad today for saying i haven't been getting much sleep lately and when asked how much i got i said around 4 hours. i felt like i shouldn't be complaining because 4 is plenty, especially at this hectic time. i've realized how spoiled i've been on my laptop. it's being repaired now, so i'm on my old highschool iBook which is very out of date. there is no bluetooth so i can't use my mouse. no dashboard. safari doesn't have tabs and my programs decide to save or not save my work when they feel like it. i can't print. hmmm let's see how much brittni can complain.

okay. this post is lame. i'm sorry for even posting it.

cold coffee. delight

There's nothing like drinking cold coffee from earlier in the morning.
I seem to enjoy food and drink the opposite of how they should be
consumed. Like cold vegetables or soup for example.haha.

It's funny how little bits and pieces in Ames remind me of past worlds and experiences. Last night I enjoyed a nice cup of black coffee at Cafe Diem. First, I hadn't had such strong coffee for a while because mine has been running out, so I've been trying to stretch it as far as it can go through the week, which means weak coffee. But what brought me to a prior world was the coffee mug itself. Pure white on a white saucer. It reminded me of the few times Andrea, Lindsey and I spent at the nearby book store in Rome. I can't even remember the name, even though I walked past it every day. It's one of those places that I saw and recognized but never encoded the name into my brain. But I love bookstores, just walking through, staring at the book covers, seeing how creatively books have been bound. I went there one day when I needed a break away from the busy Roman world. I found myself upstairs in the coffee shop enjoying a cup of black coffee in a white mug and saucer. I flipped through an Italian magazine and analyzed the design since I understood nothing more inside of it. There was a large window that looked out over the busy streets and the mysterious cat sanctuary. I sat and took it all in, the life I was living, the way I felt out of place yet I didn't want to go home. I don't think people understand a lot of times the way I like to be alone. I long for my friends when I haven't seen them and I would never want to be with out them, I just truly enjoy the time I have to myself
as well. the times where I can walk a strange city and explore, run in and out of stores, walk through a book store at my own pace and marvel at design and wish I had the time to read more; to talk and to pray with God.

It's funny how I experienced this whole scene in a mere second last night. That the person I was sharing coffee with had no idea these thoughts passed through my mind. I quite enjoy that there are words in my head that will never be spoken and poetry that will never be shared. It is part of my world, and if I even tried to vocalize this dialogue, the depth of my thoughts would only be lost.

I am joyful now. Even with the stress and pressure of school I am fine. I am fine because I do not know what is ahead for me. But I know I will be leaving. I love Ames, I love it in the summer when I am relaxed and can do the things I enjoy. I love Ames because I have met my best friends here; grown tremendously in my relationship with God, I feel like I've actually learned in school and am ready to do design as a job. I am ready to be used and to help people. To love and talk praise.

I am ready for an awakened dream

what is good?

I hate how I am so busy in design, yet when I find moments where I
don't have much to do I have no idea what to do with myself. Yesterday
I took a bath and read Thomas Aquinas. His thinking is amazing and I
have to keep rereading to really understand what he is saying. He says
that "everything is good through its own essence" (Summa theologiae,
Part I On the Goodness of God). I'm not quite sure what this means. I
always thought everything was good through the essence of God. But if
God alone is essentially good, and we all come from God, then perhaps
this is true that everything is good through its own essence because
our essence comes from God? It does go on to say "Although any thing is
good insofar as it has existence, still the essence of the created
thing is not its existence, and therefore it does not follow that the
created thing is good in its essence."

And when we think about
good most things are not good in of themselves. Things are good because
they get us things which make us happy. Money wouldn't be good if it
wasn't able to buy things. Food wouldn't be good if it didn't give us
energy. So how do we call ourselves good when people assume they are a
good person? Are we "good" people because it gets us something? Or
really is it that we are not essentially good, but there is a creator
who is ultimately good in Himself? But is this really how God is? Don't
we view God as giving us freedom of sin, spending eternity in Heaven.
Believing in God has incentives as well. So is there anything which is
good that is good in itself? Is Aristotle right in saying happiness is
the only intrinsic good that is also not extrinsic? That happiness is
the highest good? As a Christ follower I would argue Christ is the
highest good. That yes, happiness does seem to be an end in itself, but
it is also not constant. It comes and goes. Christ is always.