clueless

I made it to the Netherlands successfully! All my flights were on time, I had an empty seat next to me on the plane, and no luggage was lost. I arrived in Amsterdam on Thursday and my coworker, Paul, was there to pick me up to drive me into Hilversum. We swung by the office to meet my boss, Tarek and the other 3 workers. After having some coffee and greeting everyone Paul took me to my apartment where I was introduced to my tiny yellow room, and some of my roommates. I live with Chris and Malenka (sp) who are married, Richard, who is 28, another roommate who I met briefly last night, and three kitties. As I write this, one of the kitties, has fallen asleep on my bed. He keeps sneaking into my room and snooping through all of my stuff. I caught him earlier hanging out on a shelf where I put all my sweaters.

Everyone here has been fantastic. Richard took me outside yesterday to show me the laundromat and bank, after helping me mop and clean my room. I later met, Jamie, one of the interns from Minnesota and she showed me all the shops and restaurants because they stay open late on Thursday nights. This morning, Azza, who I work with, came by so I could walk to work with her.

My first day went fine. Paul and Tarek were out of the office because of a lecture they had to give in Switzerland this weekend. So I worked on designing a business card most the day and just got familiar with how everything works. I learned how to make coffee, since it is different than in America and also how to flush the toilet at work. Hah. Lunch is nice because Tarek provides our meal and we all sit and eat together.

I am slowly understanding how things work here. I am afraid to venture too far out, for fear I won't be able to find my way back home. I still need to find a map of the city so I can get my bearings. So far everyone has gone out of their way to help me; Chris and Malenka fed me spaghetti for dinner and are going to help me get a phone. I have a phone number and sim card but no phone yet.

So far everything that happens sounds very mundane, but it's been a lot for me. I think I'm going to really enjoy this and it will definitely be a learning experience in and outside of design.

giornale

I made a journal! I finally used the leather and blank book I purchased in Roma. End pages are some fabric scraps I found around the house… Now I can start fresh on my next adventure.

the books in my life

My bed right now is full of books. I just glanced at it and I have an array of choices: a book on the artist Miro, some fiction of Madame Bovary, a travel book on Holland and another book about knowing God. I stopped by the library today to pick up this book on Miro, I had seen it the other day but it was too large for me to carry home on my bike. Today was too chilly to ride my bike, but once I got into the library I noticed the book nook was open. Oooo what a delight for me. I lose myself when I am in a room filled with books, especially when they are cheap. I left with a few new purchases including books by Haruki Murakami, Naguib Mahfouz, and Virginia Woolf. This made me happy except for the fact that my book collection keeps growing and my space is shrinking and my time has not allowed me to read half of what I own right now. Perhaps if I don't make any friends in Holland I will be reading in my spare time.

I have nine days to finish preparing for Holland. I've been ordering a few things and I hope it all comes in time before the big flight. How do you prepare yourself for something so unknown? How do I prepare for a future where I have the facts but only the experience will lead me to my actions and needs? I live in the present yet imagine an ideal home and people that are awaiting me. I want to fall in love with some place and someone. Not these quixotic ideas that fill my head, not these people that touch my life; yet are not in it. They are either in the past or do not exist yet. Not these places and countries that become something else after I leave. I want the present to fill me with joy now. But is this possible? We are marked and led by society. A society, whether we acknowledge it or not, that controls us in a sense. It controls our sense of truth and boundaries. Our morals. Our actions. But society only alters the "sense" or "feeling" of these things. It doesn't dictate Truth or change Truth, although it may seem like it. That is only human alterations, not the absolute Truth that coexists along with this society.

I do believe we can find joy now. That joy runs deep, we can be sad and be filled with joy. I find joy in Christ, in believing that this God will convict me of my actions. Will turn me around when I am wrong. If I can remain open and understanding, if I can remain available to Him always. If I can be honest in the most raw sense possible to my God, I believe we can get past the perils of society. We can't completely avoid nor block out the way life is. But we can be aware of the fact that it can be controlling in a destructive way. Not always, but it is there. And these quixotic ideas that float around me may be possible too. They may just happen and become my reality.

Where dreams end and illusions begin…

Two weeks before I leave for Holland. Kind of an odd standstill yet rapid time. Not much to write but I feel compelled to. I finally finished a book I've been reading for a while, The Image: A Guide to Pseudo – Events in America by Daniel J. Boorstin. It actually had some fantastic stuff about how we deceive ourselves; create these ideal images and extravagant expectations. We've fallen in love with the image of the world and our lives rather than what it really is. Yet that is what it is now. An image. This is something I easily do when I think of going abroad, and I should keep it in mind this time as well. I wonder if it would make a difference?

Each of us must disenchant himself, must moderate his expectations, must prepare himself to receive messages coming in from the outside. The first step is to begin to suspect that there may be a world out there, beyond our present or future power to image or to imagine…We should try to reach outside our images. We should seek new ways of letting messages reach us; from our own past, from God, from the World which we may hate or think we hate.To give visas to strange and alien and outside notions. Notions of which neither we nor the Communists have ever dreamed and which we can never see in our mirror. One of our grand illusions is the belief in a "cure." There is no cure. There is only the opportunity for discovery. For this the New World gave us a grand, unique beginning.

…We must discover our illusions before we can even realize that we have been sleepwalking. The least and the most we can hope for is that each of us may penetrate the unknown jungle of images in which we live our daily lives. That we may discover anew where dreams end and where illusions begin. This is enough. Then we may know where we are, and each of us may decide for himself where he wants to go.

holl and oats

[The Netherlands] is popularly known for its windmills, cheese, clogs (wooden shoes), delftware and gouda pottery, dikes, tulips, bicycles, and social tolerance. A Parliamentary democracy, the country is also known for its somewhat liberal policies toward drugs, prostitution, gay rights, abortion, and euthanasia. —Wikipedia

This shall be my home next.

the end.

Last week I decided to give up. I cannot keep sitting at home waiting for emails to return from firms that may never contact me or who love my work but cannot offer me an internship until next spring. If I could go back I would do things much differently. But I've gained some great contacts and I know it does not stop here.

I realized I've had complete tunnel vision and have pushed God out of the picture in allowing Him to control any aspect of this job search. But actually He probably has been controlling this in the way it has worked out. So last Saturday I told God, "I give up." I put it in His hands and said if I heard nothing back by the end of the week I would focus my attention on finding a job in Minneapolis. This was almost a relief, to give up control which I should have let go from the beginning, and that I had said all along I was giving up, but I was only lying to myself. So at that point I sent one last portfolio to a firm in Hilversum, Holland who is looking for an intern in November. They got back to me quickly, said they were interested and once I gave my definitive answer they would phone interview me and two other applicants.

I have an interview tomorrow.

So I have let go. I'm okay if I don't get this. Perhaps my pride will hurt but that's already been done quite a bit lately. I'm ready to settle down as well and find an apartment in Minneapolis, so that will either be sooner or in a few months.

It's so much better when you stop lying to yourself and actually let God rule in your life.

London is still in the back of my head. Perhaps it's time to go somewhere new though. And there's always the possibility of interning after the New Year when they actually want me. Timing is just getting in the way and I suppose that's just how it's going to be.

the end.

gpas

my lovely grandma and bubba in oshkosh

resolute

Everything is more complicated. I am holding my head high and pressing on. I received more determination yesterday when I was told that I am young, London is what I want and not to let anyone or thing hold me back. I need to stop making excuses and keep pressing people for a job. I say all this because I cannot be given a start date to the internship I was offered, which complicates everything. I am trying to contact firms again and adamantly ask for an internship straight away.

I yearn for my creativity to begin again. I bought some incense to get me in the mood. hah. I'm letting things slip by while I get everything straightened out with London. I really need "let go and let God" on this one. I really trust Him in all of this.

quiet

Everything has been a whirl. I just spent a week in England with my mom. I lined up nine interviews by just cold calling everyone and asking them to look at my stuff. I was surprised at the response I received overall, and how positive everyone was. The downside was many don't have the facilities to hire someone—they were firms of two people— but I was offered a placement (internship) at a really great firm and so I think I will take it. The biggest thing is just getting over there and being available.

I realized the other day, as I was talking to an old friend of mine and her mom, that as I was answering the thing I liked most about Rome, it was the peacefulness. That the park and neighborhood I could escape to was one of my favourite parts. And as I think about London, and this fast paced city, I look forward to being a part of it but also knowing I have a quiet solitude to return to someday. London won't be forever, right now it looks like it will only be for six months but it's something I want to experience. To just go on my own and learn from some of the best.

strike a match

i am in london. the tube is down for three days because of a strike. one line is running—the jubilee. worthless.

house warmings and home leavings.

We spent last night up in Minneapolis at Lindsey and Megan's new place. We danced all night and talked to the randoms coming in and out of the diet rite bar across the street. I am completely exhausted after a few hours sleep and driving to and from Minneapolis.

I leave for London tomorrow. I am in a state of neutrality. No emotion right now except feeling weary. I am so grateful for my mom coming along. It would be a lot scarier without her but I also realize this is really hard on her and for her. To not only watch her daughter attempt a move to a foreign country but to be an accomplice in it. I am indebted to her sacrifices.

I was wondering…

Why are we so harsh on the homosexual community for living in sin and going against the Bible; yet we say nothing about those who are divorced or any other matter which society has deemed okay but goes against The Word of God?. Matthew 5:31-32 says "It has been said, 'Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.' But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery." Does that mean anyone who has remarried is living in constant sin? Why have we become so lax on this command and so harsh upon others? How can we pick and choose? What is really right?

It's so hard when societal values turn into second nature to us, which makes it hard to step away and say something is right or wrong when it goes against most people in our culture.

This is merely a perception I made as I was reading today.

the sqeaky wheel gets the grease

New things about me: I have a plane ticket to London, I live with my parents, I have 6 interviews with more pending, I made a website www.brittnimorgan.com, my beagle seems to love me more lately (I take her on walks).

I feel myself slowly take steps closer to God. I guess I was kind of away for a while, not in a blatant rejection kind of way, but consciously making decisions to distract myself from pursuing God. It's hard, and I still easily choose to read Harry potter, check my email or watch Dr.Phil over taking time to rest my mind and focus on God. The problem is I'm really selfish, and I seek God but most of the time it's from selfish pursuit, and so when I cry out for help I expect something to magically happen without me doing a thing. So I'm finally taking time to read the bible. Really read and understand the meaning of the words before me. I'm tired of getting tripped up on what is truth and if I'm interpreting it correctly. I'm just trying to see what the words tell me within context.

I began reading Matthew, and honestly, I have always skipped over the Gospels for the most part. I think I felt like I knew the message and I'd rather read old testament stories and other chapters I knew less. But as I began reading I saw things about Jesus' character I hadn't realized before. And how the heck am I supposed to strive to be like Jesus if I don't even recognize his true demeanor and repertoire. What stood out was this: when Jesus was tempted, it was the Holy Spirit which led Him to the Desert. I'm not exactly sure what this means but I find it very intriguing, and need to spend more time thinking about this. Secondly, Jesus refuses to put God to the test. I think this is something we try to do often in our lives. We try and prove God, we ask something to happen just for the sake of it because we think God should be at our beck and call. But as I look into my selfishness I see I've got it all wrong, that we should be living for God Himself, to worship Him, and this isn't a selfish thing for Him, because he is ultimate Love. Why wouldn't we dedicate our lives to that? The last thing I noticed was Jesus gathered four disciples before he began preaching. I think this shows the support and community He needed just like we need to today.

I honestly want to continue to understand Jesus better, to know how to handle situations, to be a loving friend whose actions and words are upon Biblical Truths. So much is changing. So much is unknown. And at this time I am my optimistic self, I just hope I can stay this way. And I realized tonight, after having coffee with an old friend how much I have missed laughter. It felt really good to laugh like I did tonight and enjoy the rawness of being ridiculous.

cognizant

Slowly, life is beginning to become more real.Of course life is real, but bit by bit, piece by piece things are beginning to change here in Ames. Soon I am going to find that my life here and all that I knew is gone. Gone from the way it existed for me. Friends no longer living here.

My roommate moved out for good yesterday. That was a surreal moment in itself. This girl who I met four years ago in our small dorm room and who I have continued to live with into an apartment is gone from my life. I realize nothing is actually gone. But as I know it these things will never exist as they have here. We are all moving to something different. And although some will remain, our lives will begin to change. It is just another reminder that this life we are living is not all about us. It continues to move forward turning expectations into memories.

Andrea leaves Saturday for Chicago. Lindsey soon to Minneapolis. I am still unknown. I continue to try for my dreams, I continue to press on and not give up. A lot of my perseverance is due to people in my life encouraging me, giving me confidence that I am able to do something with myself. Life is odd in how it becomes so comparative. That we view some people more worthy than others based on appearance, status, intellect, presence. But is this really how we should live? Jesus did not look at any of those things when He came to this earth. As I am reading the book Searching for God Knows What I see how it may almost be easier to believe in Jesus at this time than when He was actually here. That He was born in a stable, had a poor job as a carpenter, and was not an attractive person. And yet, even when He was a baby, people revered Him as God. That King Herod was afraid of this baby and tried to kill all the new born boys to avoid a better king than him. That's pretty powerful. And yet if someone were to have a low income job, born in the backwoods, and was not great to look at today, would we really want to call this man God? No, because He is not what we expect a god to be. This is what it was like in Jesus' time as well, and look at the impact His life has had on us today in a historical way; and then look at how the truth of His words have saved us from trying to save ourselves through His sacrifice. Sometimes this is so hard for me to understand and yet I know it holds power and depth and impacts all of our lives whether one chooses to believe or not.

I continue to seek answers to questions about God and the Bible. Many things I want to work the way I see fairness. And I can read books that support what I want with persuasive arguments or vice versa. But in the end I need to understand why it is God chose everything to be this way. And that takes time, and it's okay not to have it all figured out right now. It took Peter until after Jesus' death to really understand who Jesus was and believe and love Him. I suppose it may take us our lifetime as well.

the things you learn at twenty-two.

I feel as though my life is on pause right now. That I am not really existing. That I am in one of those movies where the character can freeze what everyone else is doing while he continues a monologue; soon he snaps his fingers and life resumes. I am in the frozen part, waiting for the main character to finish his monologue so that I can continue on my way. It's not that I'm not busy. I've been on the go continuously, I am just waiting for something to change in my life, and as hard as I try nothing is changing as of yet. I am patiently waiting to hear back from a firm in the Netherlands.

The fourth was spent at my grandparents house up North. My aunt and uncle and cousin and his wife were all there, along with my parents and brother. The last time we were all together was almost two years ago. Not only did I get to wakeboard with my dad's new boat, but my biggest achievement was learning how to clean fish. I did everything from chopping off heads to skinning them. I even found a surprise as I was cutting one fish's head off, he spit up another fish half digested. What a treat.



When I arrived home I found a letter in our mailbox. I found it strange that something would be sent to my parents address but I opened it to find my own handwriting. It was a letter we were asked to write to ourselves our senior year or highschool, and upon graduating college it would be sent to us. So here I am explaining who my friends are, what I had done the night before, the bands I listened to (which were Tegan & Sara and Kelly Osbourne) and how I thought I would have a cute boyfriend that I would meet in college by the time I read the letter. The thing that struck me the most was this paragraph

I definitely want to travel. I love Europe so much! I hope when I read this I will have been there many more times! You need to live there! Wouldn't that be great?! Oh Ya!
(I must have been very adamant the way I wrote in all those exclamation marks).

So I have been wanting this dream for a long time. I was telling myself to do it when I was at least 18 in highschool, and here I am trying to make this command to myself happen today at 22. Perhaps that's not that long of a time, but I have changed a lot since that girl in Miss Dumas' class writing this exclamation filled letter, and yet here I am still striving for the same things, and still listening to Tegan & Sara.

yards.

I wish I had a backyard I could play in. Not a parking lot with a slice of grass for everyone to see, but my yard from back home; with the bluff and the railroad tracks overlooking the river. That would be quite nice on a day like today.

coexistence of opposite worlds

Opposite worlds coexist in my mind. Can I turn them into one? Can I bind them together in some elaborate fabrication? I can only wait and see which comes to fruition. Which makes my heart pound in excitement. The problem is they both do at this point. They both are dreams I have had growing up; both posing pros and cons.

I suppose I will continue to wait. Continue to pursue. Whack down the weeds of old hopes and dreams only to find those that are still hiding; waiting for me to grab hold of one that won't go away.

reality bites.

Reality. Reality is a bitch. It is hard when you wake out of your dreams and see that the things that kept you vibrant and alive, pushed you forward and gave you hope were only ideals in your head. Ideals that are not able to be created into reality.

It is hard when the things that stir your heart and make you want to experience life are things that your loved ones do not share in or cannot understand. That a final "career" is the defining factor in your worth. That it has to happen now for you to be somebody, and if you do not pursue a career you are wasting time, wasting life, wasting money. But this is life. I have become so wrapped up in myself and what makes me happy that I have made myself sick with unhappiness.

I want to get out and experience life so I can be an influence to others. So I can share my faith and bring people to see the importance of Christ on the Cross, so I can understand this importance as well. I understand the choices of my future are up to me. That it might not be this clear cut sign from God above, but a decision on my part and that doesn't mean there is a wrong decision. And right now I am pressuring myself to make a decision when there isn't one to be made yet.

There are cultures, languages, people and experiences that I want to become a part of. There is a life I want to live and I don't want this to be purely selfish. I want to be that vibrant, optimistic girl, with big dreams that I have always been, but reality continues to get in the way.

Perhaps I am lacking a sense of inspiration lately. I went to a woman's house the other day who is an artist and just being in her presence put a sense of vigor back into my body. We made altered Barbie dolls and this is my creation.

detail.

Here I am. Thursday morning, drinking my black coffee—listening to Feist—already having called some firms in London. I have now resorted to emailing them because most were in meetings when I called and the headset I was using for Skype started to short out on me. Anyway, today is one of the better mornings I have felt decent. I was a little down yesterday after calling so many firms and none seem to be hiring or none see any talent in me worth taking a chance on. Understandable. I realize this is not an easy process.

Here is my desk that I work at every morning. I made myself a little sign to make me laugh at myself above my computer. I like how the bronze statue of Poseidon happened to come on my screen, as well.


So yesterday as I was a little dispirited I decided to walk to the post office to mail off a design package to the UK. I wanted to walk some more to get exercise and clear my mind so I ended up walking across town to Fareway to pick up a few things. It's amazing how this is a pretty far walk in Ames, yet it is about the equivalent we would walk every day in Rome to get to class. I miss walking in a big city. As I was walking I thought of the book I am reading that Brooke gave me to read for a graduation gift (it is one of the best gifts I have received.) It really brings me back to the details and importance of life. All it is are little entries by a Japanese girl over a thousand years ago. She is lovely and writes about hateful things, elegant things, birds, and trees. It amazes me how beautiful her words are and yet how simple it all is. I want to look and feel the world in this way.

Things That Make One's Heart Beat Faster
Sparrows feeding their young. To pass a place where babies are playing. To sleep in a room where some fine incense has been burnt. To notice that one's elegant Chinese mirror has become a little cloudy. To see a gentleman stop his carriage before one's gate and instruct his attendants to announce his arrival. To wash one's hair, make one's toilet, and put on scented robes; even if not a soul sees one, these preparations still produce an inner pleasure.
It is night and one is expecting a visitor. Suddenly one is startled by the sound of rain-drops, which the wind blows against the shutters.
—The Pillow Book of Sei Shonagon


Once again I am reminded to enjoy the details in life. That I can only do so much for my future and the rest is trusting in God. That I need to keep trying and doing what I can but there is a lot that is out of my control. It is good for me to have much of this out of my hands. That I cannot look to the past and wish life were a certain way. It is what it is and I am blessed to be where I am right now.

dun dun dun

Job searching is a daunting process. It is not something that so much worries me, but is just a hard process to go through, especially when I am trying to get myself known in London and contact firms. I spent two hours this morning calling firms that I have sent my portfolio to. Most seemed positive that I would be able to get a job as an American over there, but just like here, most firms are not looking to hire right now. So I will continue to persevere, to be persistent and pursue my dream. I don't even know what I want anymore but I can't imagine anything other than going abroad.

Yesterday I sent a package to Wales. I suppose this could be just as wonderful a place to live as anything.



Other than focusing in on all this job stuff I've been trying to enjoy my summer as well. Spent last weekend in Clear Lake for the Memorial weekend and then a few days at home. Once back in Ames, I left for Minneapolis and stayed with, Apostolos, a dear friend of mine I met when I studied in London last summer. It was wonderful to see him again and amazing that I met him briefly at the end of my stay and here we are a year later with myself and my friends sleeping at his place.

And then we found candy cigarettes. just like the old days:)