cognizant

Slowly, life is beginning to become more real.Of course life is real, but bit by bit, piece by piece things are beginning to change here in Ames. Soon I am going to find that my life here and all that I knew is gone. Gone from the way it existed for me. Friends no longer living here.

My roommate moved out for good yesterday. That was a surreal moment in itself. This girl who I met four years ago in our small dorm room and who I have continued to live with into an apartment is gone from my life. I realize nothing is actually gone. But as I know it these things will never exist as they have here. We are all moving to something different. And although some will remain, our lives will begin to change. It is just another reminder that this life we are living is not all about us. It continues to move forward turning expectations into memories.

Andrea leaves Saturday for Chicago. Lindsey soon to Minneapolis. I am still unknown. I continue to try for my dreams, I continue to press on and not give up. A lot of my perseverance is due to people in my life encouraging me, giving me confidence that I am able to do something with myself. Life is odd in how it becomes so comparative. That we view some people more worthy than others based on appearance, status, intellect, presence. But is this really how we should live? Jesus did not look at any of those things when He came to this earth. As I am reading the book Searching for God Knows What I see how it may almost be easier to believe in Jesus at this time than when He was actually here. That He was born in a stable, had a poor job as a carpenter, and was not an attractive person. And yet, even when He was a baby, people revered Him as God. That King Herod was afraid of this baby and tried to kill all the new born boys to avoid a better king than him. That's pretty powerful. And yet if someone were to have a low income job, born in the backwoods, and was not great to look at today, would we really want to call this man God? No, because He is not what we expect a god to be. This is what it was like in Jesus' time as well, and look at the impact His life has had on us today in a historical way; and then look at how the truth of His words have saved us from trying to save ourselves through His sacrifice. Sometimes this is so hard for me to understand and yet I know it holds power and depth and impacts all of our lives whether one chooses to believe or not.

I continue to seek answers to questions about God and the Bible. Many things I want to work the way I see fairness. And I can read books that support what I want with persuasive arguments or vice versa. But in the end I need to understand why it is God chose everything to be this way. And that takes time, and it's okay not to have it all figured out right now. It took Peter until after Jesus' death to really understand who Jesus was and believe and love Him. I suppose it may take us our lifetime as well.

the things you learn at twenty-two.

I feel as though my life is on pause right now. That I am not really existing. That I am in one of those movies where the character can freeze what everyone else is doing while he continues a monologue; soon he snaps his fingers and life resumes. I am in the frozen part, waiting for the main character to finish his monologue so that I can continue on my way. It's not that I'm not busy. I've been on the go continuously, I am just waiting for something to change in my life, and as hard as I try nothing is changing as of yet. I am patiently waiting to hear back from a firm in the Netherlands.

The fourth was spent at my grandparents house up North. My aunt and uncle and cousin and his wife were all there, along with my parents and brother. The last time we were all together was almost two years ago. Not only did I get to wakeboard with my dad's new boat, but my biggest achievement was learning how to clean fish. I did everything from chopping off heads to skinning them. I even found a surprise as I was cutting one fish's head off, he spit up another fish half digested. What a treat.



When I arrived home I found a letter in our mailbox. I found it strange that something would be sent to my parents address but I opened it to find my own handwriting. It was a letter we were asked to write to ourselves our senior year or highschool, and upon graduating college it would be sent to us. So here I am explaining who my friends are, what I had done the night before, the bands I listened to (which were Tegan & Sara and Kelly Osbourne) and how I thought I would have a cute boyfriend that I would meet in college by the time I read the letter. The thing that struck me the most was this paragraph

I definitely want to travel. I love Europe so much! I hope when I read this I will have been there many more times! You need to live there! Wouldn't that be great?! Oh Ya!
(I must have been very adamant the way I wrote in all those exclamation marks).

So I have been wanting this dream for a long time. I was telling myself to do it when I was at least 18 in highschool, and here I am trying to make this command to myself happen today at 22. Perhaps that's not that long of a time, but I have changed a lot since that girl in Miss Dumas' class writing this exclamation filled letter, and yet here I am still striving for the same things, and still listening to Tegan & Sara.

yards.

I wish I had a backyard I could play in. Not a parking lot with a slice of grass for everyone to see, but my yard from back home; with the bluff and the railroad tracks overlooking the river. That would be quite nice on a day like today.

coexistence of opposite worlds

Opposite worlds coexist in my mind. Can I turn them into one? Can I bind them together in some elaborate fabrication? I can only wait and see which comes to fruition. Which makes my heart pound in excitement. The problem is they both do at this point. They both are dreams I have had growing up; both posing pros and cons.

I suppose I will continue to wait. Continue to pursue. Whack down the weeds of old hopes and dreams only to find those that are still hiding; waiting for me to grab hold of one that won't go away.

reality bites.

Reality. Reality is a bitch. It is hard when you wake out of your dreams and see that the things that kept you vibrant and alive, pushed you forward and gave you hope were only ideals in your head. Ideals that are not able to be created into reality.

It is hard when the things that stir your heart and make you want to experience life are things that your loved ones do not share in or cannot understand. That a final "career" is the defining factor in your worth. That it has to happen now for you to be somebody, and if you do not pursue a career you are wasting time, wasting life, wasting money. But this is life. I have become so wrapped up in myself and what makes me happy that I have made myself sick with unhappiness.

I want to get out and experience life so I can be an influence to others. So I can share my faith and bring people to see the importance of Christ on the Cross, so I can understand this importance as well. I understand the choices of my future are up to me. That it might not be this clear cut sign from God above, but a decision on my part and that doesn't mean there is a wrong decision. And right now I am pressuring myself to make a decision when there isn't one to be made yet.

There are cultures, languages, people and experiences that I want to become a part of. There is a life I want to live and I don't want this to be purely selfish. I want to be that vibrant, optimistic girl, with big dreams that I have always been, but reality continues to get in the way.

Perhaps I am lacking a sense of inspiration lately. I went to a woman's house the other day who is an artist and just being in her presence put a sense of vigor back into my body. We made altered Barbie dolls and this is my creation.

detail.

Here I am. Thursday morning, drinking my black coffee—listening to Feist—already having called some firms in London. I have now resorted to emailing them because most were in meetings when I called and the headset I was using for Skype started to short out on me. Anyway, today is one of the better mornings I have felt decent. I was a little down yesterday after calling so many firms and none seem to be hiring or none see any talent in me worth taking a chance on. Understandable. I realize this is not an easy process.

Here is my desk that I work at every morning. I made myself a little sign to make me laugh at myself above my computer. I like how the bronze statue of Poseidon happened to come on my screen, as well.


So yesterday as I was a little dispirited I decided to walk to the post office to mail off a design package to the UK. I wanted to walk some more to get exercise and clear my mind so I ended up walking across town to Fareway to pick up a few things. It's amazing how this is a pretty far walk in Ames, yet it is about the equivalent we would walk every day in Rome to get to class. I miss walking in a big city. As I was walking I thought of the book I am reading that Brooke gave me to read for a graduation gift (it is one of the best gifts I have received.) It really brings me back to the details and importance of life. All it is are little entries by a Japanese girl over a thousand years ago. She is lovely and writes about hateful things, elegant things, birds, and trees. It amazes me how beautiful her words are and yet how simple it all is. I want to look and feel the world in this way.

Things That Make One's Heart Beat Faster
Sparrows feeding their young. To pass a place where babies are playing. To sleep in a room where some fine incense has been burnt. To notice that one's elegant Chinese mirror has become a little cloudy. To see a gentleman stop his carriage before one's gate and instruct his attendants to announce his arrival. To wash one's hair, make one's toilet, and put on scented robes; even if not a soul sees one, these preparations still produce an inner pleasure.
It is night and one is expecting a visitor. Suddenly one is startled by the sound of rain-drops, which the wind blows against the shutters.
—The Pillow Book of Sei Shonagon


Once again I am reminded to enjoy the details in life. That I can only do so much for my future and the rest is trusting in God. That I need to keep trying and doing what I can but there is a lot that is out of my control. It is good for me to have much of this out of my hands. That I cannot look to the past and wish life were a certain way. It is what it is and I am blessed to be where I am right now.

dun dun dun

Job searching is a daunting process. It is not something that so much worries me, but is just a hard process to go through, especially when I am trying to get myself known in London and contact firms. I spent two hours this morning calling firms that I have sent my portfolio to. Most seemed positive that I would be able to get a job as an American over there, but just like here, most firms are not looking to hire right now. So I will continue to persevere, to be persistent and pursue my dream. I don't even know what I want anymore but I can't imagine anything other than going abroad.

Yesterday I sent a package to Wales. I suppose this could be just as wonderful a place to live as anything.



Other than focusing in on all this job stuff I've been trying to enjoy my summer as well. Spent last weekend in Clear Lake for the Memorial weekend and then a few days at home. Once back in Ames, I left for Minneapolis and stayed with, Apostolos, a dear friend of mine I met when I studied in London last summer. It was wonderful to see him again and amazing that I met him briefly at the end of my stay and here we are a year later with myself and my friends sleeping at his place.

And then we found candy cigarettes. just like the old days:)

eee – motion

Is it wrong to be led by emotions? I want to say yes. That emotions are fleeting, they are futile and ever changing. But isn't there also something very pure within our emotions? Something raw and untouched. Uncontrolled? I feel as though my initial decision to believe in Jesus Christ was based off of my emotions. I was at a low point, didn't know what I was living for and saw Jesus as the Truth. I don't think this is wrong but perhaps not the best way to go about making such a lasting decision.

I went to Chicago last week. Andrea, a good friend of mine wants to move there and was interviewing at various design firms. I thought it would be a great opportunity to see my dear friend Brooke who now lives there. As I spent the days wandering around differing parts of the city, while Andrea was interviewing and Brooke was at work, I began to ask myself if this could be home. I wanted to feel like I could live there, and I know that I could, but it just wasn't right. But how can that be? How can a foreign city feel right or not right? Do I really want to base my future home off of a feeling I get? I think of London and how it gives me such a wonderful feeling. Yet this isn't the reason I want to move there; and perhaps this feeling is only made up in my head. That once there (permanently) I would experience all together a new and differing feeling. I decided the reason Chicago did not strike me was because it felt very rigid. Very corporate. When I went downtown I felt I needed to be wearing black and nothing that would stand out too much. I just couldn't be myself. As much as I enjoyed reading a book in Millennium park while children played in the fountains or as I wandered down streets popping in and out of stores with no intention of ever buying anything, this was not my home.

I also began to worry more about my future. Or at least began to see the realization of how difficult this process is going to be. Seeing Andrea doing so many interviews and knowing that my process will be much different. I cannot call up a firm in London and go and interview on the spot. I have to convince someone that I am worth the trouble of flying over, that I have more to offer than someone who is readily available there. I have a more hectic process of work visas and moving that many people don't have to worry about. It is daunting but I will continue to press forward. To do what I can so that I will have no room for regrets in the end.

And in the end of it all my trust needs to be put forth through Jesus Christ. I need to trust Him in my future and the direction I end up, no matter what it is. I haven't been doing much of that lately, and I have no excuses. I need to keep my eyes peeled for the Master.

Here are some graduation photos and what I've been up to as of late:






I graduated and then I played in the lake.







This isn't me. This is Marty. He can do flips on the water.

...

my room is a mess and my heart is restless.

Time

How does God work in time? If God is eternal, this means eternity is a never-ending present. Everything exists before God right now, where as we work within time. But how can the Holy Spirit dwell within us, within a world where time exists? How does God interact with us without being in Time? Are there instances where He does/can step into time? Does God actually "step" into things? Am I thinking about this all wrong?

Time is such a confusing thing. How do you even define it; it's something that we all know what it is, yet it only lasts a moment in the present before it becomes the past. So how can we quantify the past or future when it is either gone or has not happened yet. But we do understand the past and future as being in time, we understand if the past is long or short. We should understand the past as a memory and the future as an expectation, not necessarily time.

Ohhh if time would only give way to what I am do do with my life. Life is scary and you just have to do it. To live, to breathe, to be weak and give yourself over to God. We cannot give ourselves over to excuses at this point. I think this is the first time in my life that I don't have a plan for what is next. School is over, and it's time to make some decisions.

stichery

at 3am i have come to terms with hand-sewing. i no longer loathe it like i did in the past. and in the process of over coming my hand stitching issues, i was able to make a dress and jacket for my fibers class.

time for bed.

summer?

Last week was crazy but I guess it's over now. Senior portfolio night went well, pretty much my whole extended family came it was amazing. Even my brother came who has made it down to Ames once in four years, and how appropriate that he was here when I applied to get into graphic design my freshman year and the next time he comes is to see my senior show. Also my bestfriend's parents came, since she works in Chicago and couldn't make it over. Thanks Paul and Nanc for representing.






Afterward Andrea and I met up with some friends down at our usual bar, 212, and enjoyed a nice Franziskaner, and later on we danced it up at Boheme like we used to do when we had a life on Thursday nights.

I allowed myself a relaxing weekend with some friends at their lake home and skied in the freezing cold water. We literally felt numb when we got out, luckily there was a wet suit we squeezed ourselves into; no one is really sure how.






And now I am finishing out my finals week, I'm almost done making a dress and jacket for my fibers class tomorrow, and having a really hard time staying inside during the day to get my work done because it's been so nice.

I think it's hit me for the first time today that summer is pretty much here. That I have no job and no clue what's going to happen. That although school is done I need to mail all my stuff out to London so I can really understand what's happening with my life. I feel very useless right now or not purposeful. It seems like the unknown was okay while I was in school because I was so busy focusing on other things that were more relevant at the moment, but here I am realizing that this is it. I need to do something.

If I learned anything this week it is reevaluating intentions. I want to have pure intentions in all that I do, and I don't think anyone ever does. Even in conversations to God, in bearing everything to Him do I have hidden motives? Yes, sometimes I do. I hope though that there are times that in being completely honest that my intentions are utterly sincere and raw.

culmination

This is it, the past four years of my life have been leading up to this; senior portfolio night. Less than a day away.

It hasn't hit me yet that I am graduating, that school will actually be over for ever; that I've basically spent my entire life in a learning institution and now it's over. Weird. I get these random moments where all of a sudden I appreciate something about school, something I will miss that I haven't realized will be gone soon. I've learned a lot in these past four years; a lot about myself, my character, my capabilities. Even, Paula, one of my design professors taught me all about Tabs today in inDesign. I was always a little confused on the correct way to use them and the correct usage of en and em dashes. Now I know. My last day of studio in my senior year and I get it now. Hahaha.

But I will miss the casualty of my classes, that I can come and go as I please, play music during class, go down to the library and flip through design books, hang out in the atrium where I am bound to find someone I know. Walk through the gallery, spend long nights in the basement studios all by myself jamming out to music that no one else will hear, making dresses for school projects.

I see things differently now than I did before I was in design. I went to a lecture the other day with my friend Adrianna. It was a woman speaking about the Chilean poet, Vincent Huidobro and the anatomy of an object. He made beautiful visual paintings for his poetry. I don't think anyone else there understood what she was speaking about but Adrianna and I loved it; talking about serifs and visually what he was representing. It was everything we would learn about in design history and because of our education our minds have been trained to think and understand what she talked about. But for everyone else, they were lost. It's crazy how our thinking and learning capabilities become so specialized.

These are a few of my reflections on the end of my senior year. If I could do it all over again I would still do graphic design but perhaps take more philosophy and religion classes. I've found in my last semester that these are what I am passionate about. My last religion paper I tried to write on the existence and belief in God, and how perhaps it's not such a leap of blind faith. I like that I have been able to write about such things.

Well, for the first time in a while I am getting ready for bed before midnight. Tomorrow is the culmination of our education. It's time to celebrate.

trivialness

What makes us so hard on ourselves? What is that we feel pressure from? Why can't we be confident in the decisions we make whether it be which garbage bags to buy or where to apply for jobs and live? Do these decisions have that much of an impact on our future? I know myself, I know that wherever I end up I will be satisfied for the time being. I'm the type of person to go with it, try not to complain and make the best out of the situation. I think we're missing the big picture. We are so IN IT right now we're not seeing this life for what it is. Decisions are not static so why are we viewing the next step as finality?

I'm frustrated with myself and with others around me. I think I've gotten past most of this questioning, I'm just going with it. I know where I'd like to go and what I'd like to do; so I'm going to try for it. If it doesn't work I will feel defeated but I also know that I'm trusting in God's hand in my life, and that there are probably much better things than I am picturing. And this is fine with me.

We need to get past the tiny details we are focusing on, the little parts of what we think are so important and step back. There's much more to life than what typeface I use and where I should position it on a page. Who cares, it's trivial.

So with that, I'm going to go play soccer in the rain and get muddy, enjoy myself and thank God for the strength he gives me each day.

noise

So someone made this noise maker for a project. It's this huge box that sits in the atrium with all these household products attached to it that you can make sounds with. Now that I have to work in the lab at school, all I hear are people walking by making noise. Right now there is a squeaky toy making a rhythmic beat. Ohhhhh I heart design.

do it.

I had a breakdown yesterday. Not really sure why. I think lack of sleep. I just sat there and cried and then cried because I didn't know why I was crying, and cried because I'm not stressed i'm just tired and broken. I realized, although design is important and it is something that I love that it's not worth the way it is making me feel. I can't make it my life because it's not what I live for. I live for God and He has be first in my life. When I start to make design and finding a job my life it just tears me apart, I start questioning everything I do, I feel like a failure. It seeps into other areas of my life that aren't related to design and I discourage myself. And as long as I am living by the Word of God, trying to please Him in my life, I know that God will provide for me. I will find a job or do missions or whatever He wants me to do because He is my provider and creator. When I feel alone and when all of us in design can't even help each other because we are all on nerve, I have God who is there asking me to rest in Him.

Life is fluid, I have nothing to lose. As Mickelson, my design professor, just told me "DO IT." He said I'm already setting myself up for failure by the way I'm talking. Who cares if I fail there is nothing to lose, DO IT! Honestly I have nothing to complain about, I am blessed beyond what I can understand. I was able to have lunch and beer with my religion professor yesterday smoking cigz and talking about life. It was great and I thank God for how much I have grown and developed over these past years. God has more planned and I need to stop questioning myself because in doing so I'm questioning God's divine authority and who am I to question the creator of our universe?

you don't have to read this

this is ridiculous. design and what it does to you is ridiculous. i dreamt the other night that i was pregnant and i was cutting my business cards on the laser cutter and it kept cutting them wrong. i'd like to escape from design when i'm sleeping pileeese. i felt bad today for saying i haven't been getting much sleep lately and when asked how much i got i said around 4 hours. i felt like i shouldn't be complaining because 4 is plenty, especially at this hectic time. i've realized how spoiled i've been on my laptop. it's being repaired now, so i'm on my old highschool iBook which is very out of date. there is no bluetooth so i can't use my mouse. no dashboard. safari doesn't have tabs and my programs decide to save or not save my work when they feel like it. i can't print. hmmm let's see how much brittni can complain.

okay. this post is lame. i'm sorry for even posting it.

cold coffee. delight

There's nothing like drinking cold coffee from earlier in the morning.
I seem to enjoy food and drink the opposite of how they should be
consumed. Like cold vegetables or soup for example.haha.

It's funny how little bits and pieces in Ames remind me of past worlds and experiences. Last night I enjoyed a nice cup of black coffee at Cafe Diem. First, I hadn't had such strong coffee for a while because mine has been running out, so I've been trying to stretch it as far as it can go through the week, which means weak coffee. But what brought me to a prior world was the coffee mug itself. Pure white on a white saucer. It reminded me of the few times Andrea, Lindsey and I spent at the nearby book store in Rome. I can't even remember the name, even though I walked past it every day. It's one of those places that I saw and recognized but never encoded the name into my brain. But I love bookstores, just walking through, staring at the book covers, seeing how creatively books have been bound. I went there one day when I needed a break away from the busy Roman world. I found myself upstairs in the coffee shop enjoying a cup of black coffee in a white mug and saucer. I flipped through an Italian magazine and analyzed the design since I understood nothing more inside of it. There was a large window that looked out over the busy streets and the mysterious cat sanctuary. I sat and took it all in, the life I was living, the way I felt out of place yet I didn't want to go home. I don't think people understand a lot of times the way I like to be alone. I long for my friends when I haven't seen them and I would never want to be with out them, I just truly enjoy the time I have to myself
as well. the times where I can walk a strange city and explore, run in and out of stores, walk through a book store at my own pace and marvel at design and wish I had the time to read more; to talk and to pray with God.

It's funny how I experienced this whole scene in a mere second last night. That the person I was sharing coffee with had no idea these thoughts passed through my mind. I quite enjoy that there are words in my head that will never be spoken and poetry that will never be shared. It is part of my world, and if I even tried to vocalize this dialogue, the depth of my thoughts would only be lost.

I am joyful now. Even with the stress and pressure of school I am fine. I am fine because I do not know what is ahead for me. But I know I will be leaving. I love Ames, I love it in the summer when I am relaxed and can do the things I enjoy. I love Ames because I have met my best friends here; grown tremendously in my relationship with God, I feel like I've actually learned in school and am ready to do design as a job. I am ready to be used and to help people. To love and talk praise.

I am ready for an awakened dream

what is good?

I hate how I am so busy in design, yet when I find moments where I
don't have much to do I have no idea what to do with myself. Yesterday
I took a bath and read Thomas Aquinas. His thinking is amazing and I
have to keep rereading to really understand what he is saying. He says
that "everything is good through its own essence" (Summa theologiae,
Part I On the Goodness of God). I'm not quite sure what this means. I
always thought everything was good through the essence of God. But if
God alone is essentially good, and we all come from God, then perhaps
this is true that everything is good through its own essence because
our essence comes from God? It does go on to say "Although any thing is
good insofar as it has existence, still the essence of the created
thing is not its existence, and therefore it does not follow that the
created thing is good in its essence."

And when we think about
good most things are not good in of themselves. Things are good because
they get us things which make us happy. Money wouldn't be good if it
wasn't able to buy things. Food wouldn't be good if it didn't give us
energy. So how do we call ourselves good when people assume they are a
good person? Are we "good" people because it gets us something? Or
really is it that we are not essentially good, but there is a creator
who is ultimately good in Himself? But is this really how God is? Don't
we view God as giving us freedom of sin, spending eternity in Heaven.
Believing in God has incentives as well. So is there anything which is
good that is good in itself? Is Aristotle right in saying happiness is
the only intrinsic good that is also not extrinsic? That happiness is
the highest good? As a Christ follower I would argue Christ is the
highest good. That yes, happiness does seem to be an end in itself, but
it is also not constant. It comes and goes. Christ is always.