eee – motion

Is it wrong to be led by emotions? I want to say yes. That emotions are fleeting, they are futile and ever changing. But isn't there also something very pure within our emotions? Something raw and untouched. Uncontrolled? I feel as though my initial decision to believe in Jesus Christ was based off of my emotions. I was at a low point, didn't know what I was living for and saw Jesus as the Truth. I don't think this is wrong but perhaps not the best way to go about making such a lasting decision.

I went to Chicago last week. Andrea, a good friend of mine wants to move there and was interviewing at various design firms. I thought it would be a great opportunity to see my dear friend Brooke who now lives there. As I spent the days wandering around differing parts of the city, while Andrea was interviewing and Brooke was at work, I began to ask myself if this could be home. I wanted to feel like I could live there, and I know that I could, but it just wasn't right. But how can that be? How can a foreign city feel right or not right? Do I really want to base my future home off of a feeling I get? I think of London and how it gives me such a wonderful feeling. Yet this isn't the reason I want to move there; and perhaps this feeling is only made up in my head. That once there (permanently) I would experience all together a new and differing feeling. I decided the reason Chicago did not strike me was because it felt very rigid. Very corporate. When I went downtown I felt I needed to be wearing black and nothing that would stand out too much. I just couldn't be myself. As much as I enjoyed reading a book in Millennium park while children played in the fountains or as I wandered down streets popping in and out of stores with no intention of ever buying anything, this was not my home.

I also began to worry more about my future. Or at least began to see the realization of how difficult this process is going to be. Seeing Andrea doing so many interviews and knowing that my process will be much different. I cannot call up a firm in London and go and interview on the spot. I have to convince someone that I am worth the trouble of flying over, that I have more to offer than someone who is readily available there. I have a more hectic process of work visas and moving that many people don't have to worry about. It is daunting but I will continue to press forward. To do what I can so that I will have no room for regrets in the end.

And in the end of it all my trust needs to be put forth through Jesus Christ. I need to trust Him in my future and the direction I end up, no matter what it is. I haven't been doing much of that lately, and I have no excuses. I need to keep my eyes peeled for the Master.

Here are some graduation photos and what I've been up to as of late:






I graduated and then I played in the lake.







This isn't me. This is Marty. He can do flips on the water.

...

my room is a mess and my heart is restless.

Time

How does God work in time? If God is eternal, this means eternity is a never-ending present. Everything exists before God right now, where as we work within time. But how can the Holy Spirit dwell within us, within a world where time exists? How does God interact with us without being in Time? Are there instances where He does/can step into time? Does God actually "step" into things? Am I thinking about this all wrong?

Time is such a confusing thing. How do you even define it; it's something that we all know what it is, yet it only lasts a moment in the present before it becomes the past. So how can we quantify the past or future when it is either gone or has not happened yet. But we do understand the past and future as being in time, we understand if the past is long or short. We should understand the past as a memory and the future as an expectation, not necessarily time.

Ohhh if time would only give way to what I am do do with my life. Life is scary and you just have to do it. To live, to breathe, to be weak and give yourself over to God. We cannot give ourselves over to excuses at this point. I think this is the first time in my life that I don't have a plan for what is next. School is over, and it's time to make some decisions.

stichery

at 3am i have come to terms with hand-sewing. i no longer loathe it like i did in the past. and in the process of over coming my hand stitching issues, i was able to make a dress and jacket for my fibers class.

time for bed.

summer?

Last week was crazy but I guess it's over now. Senior portfolio night went well, pretty much my whole extended family came it was amazing. Even my brother came who has made it down to Ames once in four years, and how appropriate that he was here when I applied to get into graphic design my freshman year and the next time he comes is to see my senior show. Also my bestfriend's parents came, since she works in Chicago and couldn't make it over. Thanks Paul and Nanc for representing.






Afterward Andrea and I met up with some friends down at our usual bar, 212, and enjoyed a nice Franziskaner, and later on we danced it up at Boheme like we used to do when we had a life on Thursday nights.

I allowed myself a relaxing weekend with some friends at their lake home and skied in the freezing cold water. We literally felt numb when we got out, luckily there was a wet suit we squeezed ourselves into; no one is really sure how.






And now I am finishing out my finals week, I'm almost done making a dress and jacket for my fibers class tomorrow, and having a really hard time staying inside during the day to get my work done because it's been so nice.

I think it's hit me for the first time today that summer is pretty much here. That I have no job and no clue what's going to happen. That although school is done I need to mail all my stuff out to London so I can really understand what's happening with my life. I feel very useless right now or not purposeful. It seems like the unknown was okay while I was in school because I was so busy focusing on other things that were more relevant at the moment, but here I am realizing that this is it. I need to do something.

If I learned anything this week it is reevaluating intentions. I want to have pure intentions in all that I do, and I don't think anyone ever does. Even in conversations to God, in bearing everything to Him do I have hidden motives? Yes, sometimes I do. I hope though that there are times that in being completely honest that my intentions are utterly sincere and raw.

culmination

This is it, the past four years of my life have been leading up to this; senior portfolio night. Less than a day away.

It hasn't hit me yet that I am graduating, that school will actually be over for ever; that I've basically spent my entire life in a learning institution and now it's over. Weird. I get these random moments where all of a sudden I appreciate something about school, something I will miss that I haven't realized will be gone soon. I've learned a lot in these past four years; a lot about myself, my character, my capabilities. Even, Paula, one of my design professors taught me all about Tabs today in inDesign. I was always a little confused on the correct way to use them and the correct usage of en and em dashes. Now I know. My last day of studio in my senior year and I get it now. Hahaha.

But I will miss the casualty of my classes, that I can come and go as I please, play music during class, go down to the library and flip through design books, hang out in the atrium where I am bound to find someone I know. Walk through the gallery, spend long nights in the basement studios all by myself jamming out to music that no one else will hear, making dresses for school projects.

I see things differently now than I did before I was in design. I went to a lecture the other day with my friend Adrianna. It was a woman speaking about the Chilean poet, Vincent Huidobro and the anatomy of an object. He made beautiful visual paintings for his poetry. I don't think anyone else there understood what she was speaking about but Adrianna and I loved it; talking about serifs and visually what he was representing. It was everything we would learn about in design history and because of our education our minds have been trained to think and understand what she talked about. But for everyone else, they were lost. It's crazy how our thinking and learning capabilities become so specialized.

These are a few of my reflections on the end of my senior year. If I could do it all over again I would still do graphic design but perhaps take more philosophy and religion classes. I've found in my last semester that these are what I am passionate about. My last religion paper I tried to write on the existence and belief in God, and how perhaps it's not such a leap of blind faith. I like that I have been able to write about such things.

Well, for the first time in a while I am getting ready for bed before midnight. Tomorrow is the culmination of our education. It's time to celebrate.

trivialness

What makes us so hard on ourselves? What is that we feel pressure from? Why can't we be confident in the decisions we make whether it be which garbage bags to buy or where to apply for jobs and live? Do these decisions have that much of an impact on our future? I know myself, I know that wherever I end up I will be satisfied for the time being. I'm the type of person to go with it, try not to complain and make the best out of the situation. I think we're missing the big picture. We are so IN IT right now we're not seeing this life for what it is. Decisions are not static so why are we viewing the next step as finality?

I'm frustrated with myself and with others around me. I think I've gotten past most of this questioning, I'm just going with it. I know where I'd like to go and what I'd like to do; so I'm going to try for it. If it doesn't work I will feel defeated but I also know that I'm trusting in God's hand in my life, and that there are probably much better things than I am picturing. And this is fine with me.

We need to get past the tiny details we are focusing on, the little parts of what we think are so important and step back. There's much more to life than what typeface I use and where I should position it on a page. Who cares, it's trivial.

So with that, I'm going to go play soccer in the rain and get muddy, enjoy myself and thank God for the strength he gives me each day.

noise

So someone made this noise maker for a project. It's this huge box that sits in the atrium with all these household products attached to it that you can make sounds with. Now that I have to work in the lab at school, all I hear are people walking by making noise. Right now there is a squeaky toy making a rhythmic beat. Ohhhhh I heart design.

do it.

I had a breakdown yesterday. Not really sure why. I think lack of sleep. I just sat there and cried and then cried because I didn't know why I was crying, and cried because I'm not stressed i'm just tired and broken. I realized, although design is important and it is something that I love that it's not worth the way it is making me feel. I can't make it my life because it's not what I live for. I live for God and He has be first in my life. When I start to make design and finding a job my life it just tears me apart, I start questioning everything I do, I feel like a failure. It seeps into other areas of my life that aren't related to design and I discourage myself. And as long as I am living by the Word of God, trying to please Him in my life, I know that God will provide for me. I will find a job or do missions or whatever He wants me to do because He is my provider and creator. When I feel alone and when all of us in design can't even help each other because we are all on nerve, I have God who is there asking me to rest in Him.

Life is fluid, I have nothing to lose. As Mickelson, my design professor, just told me "DO IT." He said I'm already setting myself up for failure by the way I'm talking. Who cares if I fail there is nothing to lose, DO IT! Honestly I have nothing to complain about, I am blessed beyond what I can understand. I was able to have lunch and beer with my religion professor yesterday smoking cigz and talking about life. It was great and I thank God for how much I have grown and developed over these past years. God has more planned and I need to stop questioning myself because in doing so I'm questioning God's divine authority and who am I to question the creator of our universe?

you don't have to read this

this is ridiculous. design and what it does to you is ridiculous. i dreamt the other night that i was pregnant and i was cutting my business cards on the laser cutter and it kept cutting them wrong. i'd like to escape from design when i'm sleeping pileeese. i felt bad today for saying i haven't been getting much sleep lately and when asked how much i got i said around 4 hours. i felt like i shouldn't be complaining because 4 is plenty, especially at this hectic time. i've realized how spoiled i've been on my laptop. it's being repaired now, so i'm on my old highschool iBook which is very out of date. there is no bluetooth so i can't use my mouse. no dashboard. safari doesn't have tabs and my programs decide to save or not save my work when they feel like it. i can't print. hmmm let's see how much brittni can complain.

okay. this post is lame. i'm sorry for even posting it.

cold coffee. delight

There's nothing like drinking cold coffee from earlier in the morning.
I seem to enjoy food and drink the opposite of how they should be
consumed. Like cold vegetables or soup for example.haha.

It's funny how little bits and pieces in Ames remind me of past worlds and experiences. Last night I enjoyed a nice cup of black coffee at Cafe Diem. First, I hadn't had such strong coffee for a while because mine has been running out, so I've been trying to stretch it as far as it can go through the week, which means weak coffee. But what brought me to a prior world was the coffee mug itself. Pure white on a white saucer. It reminded me of the few times Andrea, Lindsey and I spent at the nearby book store in Rome. I can't even remember the name, even though I walked past it every day. It's one of those places that I saw and recognized but never encoded the name into my brain. But I love bookstores, just walking through, staring at the book covers, seeing how creatively books have been bound. I went there one day when I needed a break away from the busy Roman world. I found myself upstairs in the coffee shop enjoying a cup of black coffee in a white mug and saucer. I flipped through an Italian magazine and analyzed the design since I understood nothing more inside of it. There was a large window that looked out over the busy streets and the mysterious cat sanctuary. I sat and took it all in, the life I was living, the way I felt out of place yet I didn't want to go home. I don't think people understand a lot of times the way I like to be alone. I long for my friends when I haven't seen them and I would never want to be with out them, I just truly enjoy the time I have to myself
as well. the times where I can walk a strange city and explore, run in and out of stores, walk through a book store at my own pace and marvel at design and wish I had the time to read more; to talk and to pray with God.

It's funny how I experienced this whole scene in a mere second last night. That the person I was sharing coffee with had no idea these thoughts passed through my mind. I quite enjoy that there are words in my head that will never be spoken and poetry that will never be shared. It is part of my world, and if I even tried to vocalize this dialogue, the depth of my thoughts would only be lost.

I am joyful now. Even with the stress and pressure of school I am fine. I am fine because I do not know what is ahead for me. But I know I will be leaving. I love Ames, I love it in the summer when I am relaxed and can do the things I enjoy. I love Ames because I have met my best friends here; grown tremendously in my relationship with God, I feel like I've actually learned in school and am ready to do design as a job. I am ready to be used and to help people. To love and talk praise.

I am ready for an awakened dream

what is good?

I hate how I am so busy in design, yet when I find moments where I
don't have much to do I have no idea what to do with myself. Yesterday
I took a bath and read Thomas Aquinas. His thinking is amazing and I
have to keep rereading to really understand what he is saying. He says
that "everything is good through its own essence" (Summa theologiae,
Part I On the Goodness of God). I'm not quite sure what this means. I
always thought everything was good through the essence of God. But if
God alone is essentially good, and we all come from God, then perhaps
this is true that everything is good through its own essence because
our essence comes from God? It does go on to say "Although any thing is
good insofar as it has existence, still the essence of the created
thing is not its existence, and therefore it does not follow that the
created thing is good in its essence."

And when we think about
good most things are not good in of themselves. Things are good because
they get us things which make us happy. Money wouldn't be good if it
wasn't able to buy things. Food wouldn't be good if it didn't give us
energy. So how do we call ourselves good when people assume they are a
good person? Are we "good" people because it gets us something? Or
really is it that we are not essentially good, but there is a creator
who is ultimately good in Himself? But is this really how God is? Don't
we view God as giving us freedom of sin, spending eternity in Heaven.
Believing in God has incentives as well. So is there anything which is
good that is good in itself? Is Aristotle right in saying happiness is
the only intrinsic good that is also not extrinsic? That happiness is
the highest good? As a Christ follower I would argue Christ is the
highest good. That yes, happiness does seem to be an end in itself, but
it is also not constant. It comes and goes. Christ is always.

doin it.

my mind won't stop working. this week has been filled with design. non
stop design. i do it when i wake up. i do it all day. i do it in class.
i do it on the weekend. i'm doin it. i even dream about it. the amazing
thing though i actually feel on top of things. i feel like i am accomplishing something and i suppose there is something to be said for that. i randomly sent my resume and a
.pdf of some of my work to a firm in amsterdam. www.artmiks.nl/ we'll see what happens. we'll see what God wants for me.

memory of God.

My last spring break is over, wisdom teeth out and everything. Six weeks of school remaining.

I've come to realize that I have narrowed my options after school down to one thing; finding a job. Obviously this is the right thing to do, there's nothing wrong with it, but am I focusing so much on what I think I need in my future that am I missing other opportunities that may not seem so conventional? I always thought I would keep my options open to missions once I graduated and now that the time has come I have hardly considered it. It's more of me saying I will fit that into my personally planned life if it works.

After reading through some verses in 1Peter I realized how much I am lacking in living an honoring life. I feel like I keep slipping further and further from purity, from pursuing God and being satisfied in His love and knowledge of me. Do I get crushes on so many people—people I know I don't really want to date—because I am not seeking out my first love? The hard part about having a relationship with God is that it is unlike anything we know. We can't see Him or touch Him or have the type of conversation we are used to. It's hard because you have to work at this type of relationship because we are usually satisfied by the mere sight of a person but with God we have to be satisfied through His presence not just visually.

So how do we even know God exists? I was thinking about this today, for me it's simple because I believe in Jesus. Even if I didn't know Jesus was the son of God but I found that He rose from the dead, that the earth shook when He died, that He came back and talked to people and He said it was because of God, His Father. Then that's how I know.

And then I read 1Peter1:8-9 today and it even talked about this difficult relationship with God:
Though you have not seen Him, you love; and even though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

I wish so badly that all those who say they believe in Jesus would show it in their lives. I wish I showed it in my life, that I would be filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy because of my faith. That I would be holy in all that I do and self controlled. That I would have sincere love for everyone in my life and love them deeply from my heart. We try and live this perfect life from the outside but really we just need to be sincere and honest in our lives and that's how we get closer to the perfection of Jesus.

And then I woke up the other morning with a random thought about perfection. When we think/imagine people, objects, events do we envision them as perfect? And how do we know what perfect is when we've never experienced it? Are things perfect in a different way in which we think perfection means? I know what perfect is through Jesus, but how does someone who claims not to believe in Jesus or has never heard of Jesus understand perfection? Where does that example come from? Are we able to come up with new ideas and creations from things we have never seen, heard of or experienced or is everything based off of something else? And if this is true then how would we make up an idea about God if there was never any memory of Him?

desaturated colour

I'm back home where I grew up. I went outside today and took pictures of my childhood. It was sad in a way, seeing how everything is so old and rundown. Everything really is past, but it was almost ethereal; the way everything looked so desaturated as if I was seeing in black and white. It fit perfectly with how I would imagine my past now, once in vibrant colours reduced to a desaturated grownup world. It was beautiful. Just how I would want it to be.




So as I've been asking questions of and about God lately, I realized I was reducing God to a science instead of allowing myself to be in awe of His presence. We are called to have a childlike faith and I think I've been trying to think so much that I've taken away this faith. This does not mean to blindly believe in something, as a lot of people think Christians do anyway, because as any child does they ask questions. They question why they are to do certain things or why the world acts in a certain way. I think it's a good thing to question our beliefs to challenge them and be challenged, but with that not to take away from them.

And as I began to ask questions of our reality, how do we know what's really real and true? How do we know we are being genuine when we've been told to act a certain way all our lives; when we are told certain things are wrong that seem to go against what we want to do instinctively. How even the idea of sacrifice seems objectifying and odd. But by first looking at all of these things from a secular point of view and then putting them in the context of Jesus they made sense. God explains so much of why we are this way, we are always searching for something better yet never satisfied. Why we long to worship something and turn objects into more than what they are. I'm not trying to put God as a cop out and say that since I can't explain anything it must be God, but it genuinely makes sense to me.

It's been good to get a way for a week. My mind needs a break so my heart can begin to love God again, or perhaps begin to appreciate and love all that He has done.

searching for God.

How is it that we say we are distant from God or that our faith is lacking when God is omnipresent. When God never changes and does not exist in some time frame where he is more powerful than other times. Everything is happening right now for God, he has no future or past He just IS. Why do we so long to satisfy ourselves yet are never satisfied. We never seem to learn from our mistakes. I go to church and ask myself what I got out of it. when will we start living the way we were intended to live? to live for God, to be holy and pure and praise His name.

My mind has been searching for God and knowing Him more in this way, but my heart has been lacking. I am entrhalled to be challenged in my faith, to think deeply and ask questions about God, yet when it comes to my personal faith where it's just Him and I, I lose my focus and I feel that distance which I cannot understand. But how do I live without trying to please myself? How do I live an honest life where I am not fake in my actions even if they are the right actions. how do I get back to the roots of purity? I want to be consistent in my faith, I want to emit Christ in everything that I do. I say these words but I do not live by them. How do I begin to live them?

I know that I need to let go of myself. Quit trying to blur the lines and see how far I can push things and not feel guilty. Perhaps we all need to feel destruction in our lives so that we can come back to the rawness that is ourselves. Destruction does not make something extinct, it only takes away for a while until you start to rebuild again. I think I need to be rebuilt.

today.

i'm lacking sleep. drinking loads of coffee and reading about theory of religion, while a snow storm is happening outside my window. i absolutely love this.

here is an excerpt from the theory of religion by georges bataille:

The General Weakness of Moral Divinity and the Strength of Evil:
Precisely because awakening is the the meaning of dualism, the inevitable sleep that follows it reintroduces evil as a major force. The flatness to which a dualism without transcendence is limited opens up the mind to the sovereignty of evil which is the unleashing of violence. The sovereignty of good that is implied by the awakening and realized by the sleep of dualism is also a reduction to the order of things that leaves no opening except toward a return to violence. Dull-minded dualism returns to the position prior to the awakening: the malefic world takes on a value much the same as the one it had in the archaic position. It is less important than it was in the sovereignty of a pure violence, which did not have a sense of evil, but the forces of evil never lost their divine value except within the limits of a developed reflection, and their apparently inferior status cannot prevent ordinary humanity from continuing to live under their power.

it goes on..

relativism

i'm really frustrated the way things ended in my religion class the other day. somehow my papers always spur on these deep philosophical questions that don't entirely relate to the books we've read. sorry professor buyze. but in this last paper, over the theory of religion by bataille, he raised a lot of questions in me about the meaning of objects. How man has given everything meaning and purpose and man himself becomes an object. And somehow this relates to our spirit and how our spirit is separate from us once we die that "the spirit is so closely linked to the body as a thing that the body never ceases to be haunted, is never a thing except virtually, so much so that if death reduces it to the condition of a thing, the spirit is more present than ever: the body that has betrayed it reveals it more clearly than when it served it. In a sense the corpse is the most complete affirmation of the spirit" (40). So in fact even when man becomes an object it is only metaphorically because we have the spirit which keeps us separate.

But then I was questioned about saying that truth is independent from belief. We can believe whatever we want but that does not make it true. I can believe that my hair is blonde but it obviously is not true. This seems to make perfect sense. And it doesn't mean not to believe in anything, there is obviously truth out there, there is an answer to everything whether we will ever find the answer or not. I just can't understand how someone can argue that our beliefs create truth. We may convince ourself that it is truth but that still does not make it so.

Will someone please argue this? I want to hear an intelligent side to someone who believes in relativism, and for that matter an argument against it as well. Because if ethical relativism is true what I believe is 100% true and what you believe is 100% true, therefore there can never be moral progress.

And what is the difference between truth and fact?

ohhhh thoughts thoughts thoughts.

why not?

i'm having a hard time designing right now. my mind is everywhere. i get little bits done here and there but i need like a massive work time where i do nothing but breathe this design. my dad just called. made me cry because i'm a baby and get emotional over nothing. i was just thinking i wish it would warm up but honestly i don't mind the cold that much. -20 degrees is a little extreme but spring is too mushy for me. can we just skip to summer? i want to be tan againnnnnnnnn. ashely sent me my photo album from london. i left it at her place in michigan this summer. i've been thinking about london a lot lately. i've really got to get on top of things and send some work out. i wish i had the money to just move there. why do i want to go so bad? why not though? i can't help it. i need to be smart about it though, i mean i would really be alone; and yet that doesn't seem to really both me. maybe i just haven't really thought about it. i need to keep praying, i mean why would God want me to go there? but why not?

i sat and tried to do homework today; instead i ended up writing this on a scrap piece of paper...
"i can only base my ideas from my own experiences, what i read, and what i am told; experience having the most influence. this doesn't create truth from my ideas but it does provide a basis and reason. therefore, why not experience more challenging things?

i want to move to london and live. breathe. make it on my own and always know i will have a place to return to if it doesn't work. this life is not all there is. there are no excuses to be reckless or careless but there is no reason not to push yourself and the limitations that have been placed on your identity.there is a whole world out there with people who may need you to make a difference in their life. find them and emit God in everything that you do. this is part of why we live. perhaps it's time. "